I'm dying inside

I just wanna shoot up right now. I just want to drown my thoughts my pain. Everything to die. I want Malachi to hold me I want to leave I want to drown. Fuck I don't even know what I want. I feel like acid is eroding my brain slowly, painfully. It's like sometimes I don't want to wake up, I'm tired of being In this state... This town. I want to run. Sometimes  I wake up and ask myself " Am I living in hell?" But then I remember I'm still alive because If I wasn't I wouldn't be so sad. I can't feel anything sometimes. But pain.