I decided to write a short story about my use for drug and alcohol group and wanted to share it with you guys, enjoy and give me feedback if I made mistakes heres what I came up with and btw victoria is a girl i hallucinated when I was using

The pic where I has black hair is me when I was using the one where I have redish brown hair is me now. with 9 months clean <3                                                      

                                    ~THEY ALL FALL DOWN~

What is going on .Voices and people running around. I hear cries and screams. “Worthless… you are worthless”, “Perfect must be perfect.” “Why aren’t you perfect?” “Why are you so bad? Such a screw up. (It wasn’t a question but a statement.) “You’re worthless.”  Victoria begins “I don’t know why you are such a f*ck up darling you just are you know that right?” I reply,  “yeah I know.” “You will always be just a druggy because you can’t quit.” “ I don’t want to I just think I need to… I feel sick.” “You’ll die Maddie. “They all fall down.” And with that she vanishes from my sight leaving me in tears. It left me shaking I just needed to rest my body hurt and I was sweating venom. I knew I need more I didn’t care how I get it but I needed more.” The baggy on the end table was empty which angered me. I called my dealer/boyfriend and told him to get here now, I was coming down and It was bad. I told him to meet me in my backyard my mom wasn’t home. I told him to hurry. 

   I had been up for a week straight doing nothing but drawing, writing and trying to stay high. I kept thinking remember when this was fun… when this was just on the weekends. Remember Maddie this didn’t used to be management… but now it is. Now one day without would send me into an unbearable spiral. I wasn’t paranoid at first but after the second time I was hooked. I was peepin and geeking. Cops were always behind me and sometimes I believed my own family was out to get me like they wanted me to be miserable and like they were going to take my dope away. The last one scared me the most. It wasn’t about fun anymore it was about avoiding the come down. It didn’t matter where I was home, with friends or at school. I had to keep popping pills or snorting coke. I couldn’t imagine living without… It’s not that I enjoyed managing it but sometimes I felt okay and sometimes I couldn’t think couldn’t feel. That was my favorite. But what I didn’t know or care to think about was what it was doing to me… I was down to 92 pounds and my emotions were gone, my hallucinations were bad, worse then ever before…not that I really remembered before. I was destroying my family. I stole my family’s money, my own little sister’s birthday money. She was 4 when I started doing that. Not that I cared one bit. It didn’t matter to me as long as I was high or needed drugs I felt like I deserved it somehow. Validating that’s all I did. Looking back at my addiction now It feels like that wasn’t me, how could I have done all of these terrible things? I see pictures of my using self and I think… “And I thought I looked better on drugs? I thought I was skinny and beautiful.” Sometimes I miss it, even when those terrible commercials talking about how bad drugs are make me want to use. I miss the high. I try not to. How could I want to do that it was so terrible!? But sometimes I just get these stupid cravings and no matter all the terrible things I remember about using I’ll still miss it. I wouldn’t do it again though even if someone had a knife to my throat though. That’s how bad it got for me. I felt like I was dying the first 5 days in rehab. I’ll remember those days forever. I hold on to those painful days because they make me not want to use. Getting clean changed my life. I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t got arrested. I honestly don’t know if I’d still be alive.