Random rant < / 3

I woke up to a normal day on the 11th having a wonderful day when ms.Kris called. She asked if i was with someone and I was.. my sister. She told me David hung himself. I felt a pain in my chest I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe this could have happened. My friend Mariano ran away earlier last week. I don't have many friends.. I'm not that social so the ones I have I'm very close too.
  Life was becoming so much better but within two weeks I was back to feeling miserable. I should have known things couldn't stay well for to long. I feel like sleeping and eating till I throw up. I feel like drowning my pain with a line of cocaine. I feel like cutting, cutting deep into my skin until the pain releases. I feel like  I don't want to feel. But of course these are things I WANT to do not will do. I will sit here and write until my hands hurt and smile until my cheeks hurt because It's all  I can do to not break.... Yesterday I slept in till 2:00. I still wanted to stay in bead... I read of course the book talked about suicide.. watched t.v also had a suicide... Went to dinner with the family. Somehow It still ended with me in tears... Is the Prozac not working? Why can I cry.. I don't want to I don't want to feel! I wish this was a dream... Oh please wake up.. I keep imagining David hanging from my ceiling. Why, Why?! To us to me? It's sketchy The same night his dad texted saying " If you don't get your ass home at 5:30 your gonna pay for it"and below some of his pics it says "this is why you don't get in fights with your dad". I wish it didn't end this way I wish I could hug you. I will this wasn't reality