I'm dying inside

I just wanna shoot up right now. I just want to drown my thoughts my pain. Everything to die. I want Malachi to hold me I want to leave I want to drown. Fuck I don't even know what I want. I feel like acid is eroding my brain slowly, painfully. It's like sometimes I don't want to wake up, I'm tired of being In this state... This town. I want to run. Sometimes  I wake up and ask myself " Am I living in hell?" But then I remember I'm still alive because If I wasn't I wouldn't be so sad. I can't feel anything sometimes. But pain.

My love

So The fact that I live my life in fear Is driving me crazy, I met a guy. His name is Malachi. I knew this was the start of something great. I knew I was going to risk things yet for the first time that didn't worried me what worried me was stupid things like if he'll think I'm pretty or skinny enough. I know I don't have clear skin. I'm not some experienced sex guru but I know that I can learn to be comfortable with him. I know this is going to be right! He's just what I need. Kinda crazy It's only been what a week.? I don't fall quick and when I do it tends to not be hard. I have up an important person to have him fit in my life and I don't regret it at all. Hope I don't fuck this up (:

washington

I arrived in Tacoma at 2. am! Finally after 12 hours in the car with a slightly annoying step mother and loud dad. I think I listened to all the songs on my I-pod which is .. A LOT!  Tommorow morning we are going on the army base to work out, It shall be fun. It is so green out I will post pics. I absolutely love it out here. Adore being the only child to lol even if I don't really enjoy my step mother. I will write more later I kinda have writers block right now, a mix of exhaustion and boredom maybe? Must read the new book 'Perfect' by Ellen Hopkins. So amazing like all of her books! I hope you all have a lovely week 

I love you sweet friend < 3

Random rant < / 3

I woke up to a normal day on the 11th having a wonderful day when ms.Kris called. She asked if i was with someone and I was.. my sister. She told me David hung himself. I felt a pain in my chest I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe this could have happened. My friend Mariano ran away earlier last week. I don't have many friends.. I'm not that social so the ones I have I'm very close too.
  Life was becoming so much better but within two weeks I was back to feeling miserable. I should have known things couldn't stay well for to long. I feel like sleeping and eating till I throw up. I feel like drowning my pain with a line of cocaine. I feel like cutting, cutting deep into my skin until the pain releases. I feel like  I don't want to feel. But of course these are things I WANT to do not will do. I will sit here and write until my hands hurt and smile until my cheeks hurt because It's all  I can do to not break.... Yesterday I slept in till 2:00. I still wanted to stay in bead... I read of course the book talked about suicide.. watched t.v also had a suicide... Went to dinner with the family. Somehow It still ended with me in tears... Is the Prozac not working? Why can I cry.. I don't want to I don't want to feel! I wish this was a dream... Oh please wake up.. I keep imagining David hanging from my ceiling. Why, Why?! To us to me? It's sketchy The same night his dad texted saying " If you don't get your ass home at 5:30 your gonna pay for it"and below some of his pics it says "this is why you don't get in fights with your dad". I wish it didn't end this way I wish I could hug you. I will this wasn't reality

I can't even..

I don't know what to feel or do. I feel like curling up and not waking up. I hate when I feel like this... I have so much homework but I don't know how I'll get it done. I just feel like I'm a living dead girl
speaking off...... here's some tuneage. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvsMPOfblfg&ob=av2e

I wish you were here

How could you... How could you do this to me David suicide wasn't the answer.. I wish you were here so I could hug you one last time and tell you that I love you! You were a brother to me... I don't know how I couldn't see this coming... I just want to know was it really you.. or was it your dad.. I know how he hurt you. I know how it hurt <3 I wish I could have done something. Anything. I'm so confused... so hurt. Everyone misses you.
I wish it didn't have to end this way. I never got to say my goodbyes </3
     My friend killed himself the other day 11/10/11
                 R.I.P </3

My friend just killed himself.

David I love you!

Funeral Poem Suicide:

No one knew the torment,
That you were going through;
We only kept on seeing
What we really wanted to.

We saw the outward smile,
But not your inner pain;
We never really dreamt,
That you would never smile again.

Forgive us if we failed to see,
What we could do to aid;
Or if we failed to comprehend,
How much you were afraid.

We pray your mental anguish,
Will now forever cease;
And that your deep anxieties,
Will be replaced by peace.

We know your pain invaded,
Every single thought you had;
It made you cry internally,
And deeply, deeply sad.

But we in turn remember,
The good times, not the bad;
We remember when you smiled at us,
And not when you were sad.

So when we think about your life,
We won't dwell upon its close;
We'll remember all the good times,
And forget about life's blows.

We'll remember all the happiness,
The joy and not the tears;
The assurance and the confidence,
And not irrational fears.

Our lives have all been better,
Because you have been there;
So now we leave your memory,

In your friends loving care <3

bah babygirl your so prettyyy < 3

my gf messing with her hair < 3 :p so silly and beautiful

Hello loves how are all of you doing?

 I am happy to announce that I almost have 9 months sober, Oh the joys <3 I love you all

XD

Love this. Creepy yet somehow I find it adorable

BAHAHA XD

A project I was working on (: (No that Is not real alcohol its juice haha) but I was doing this project with the story and pcitures so tis is what I've came up with.

I decided to write a short story about my use for drug and alcohol group and wanted to share it with you guys, enjoy and give me feedback if I made mistakes heres what I came up with and btw victoria is a girl i hallucinated when I was using

The pic where I has black hair is me when I was using the one where I have redish brown hair is me now. with 9 months clean <3                                                      

                                    ~THEY ALL FALL DOWN~

What is going on .Voices and people running around. I hear cries and screams. “Worthless… you are worthless”, “Perfect must be perfect.” “Why aren’t you perfect?” “Why are you so bad? Such a screw up. (It wasn’t a question but a statement.) “You’re worthless.”  Victoria begins “I don’t know why you are such a f*ck up darling you just are you know that right?” I reply,  “yeah I know.” “You will always be just a druggy because you can’t quit.” “ I don’t want to I just think I need to… I feel sick.” “You’ll die Maddie. “They all fall down.” And with that she vanishes from my sight leaving me in tears. It left me shaking I just needed to rest my body hurt and I was sweating venom. I knew I need more I didn’t care how I get it but I needed more.” The baggy on the end table was empty which angered me. I called my dealer/boyfriend and told him to get here now, I was coming down and It was bad. I told him to meet me in my backyard my mom wasn’t home. I told him to hurry. 

   I had been up for a week straight doing nothing but drawing, writing and trying to stay high. I kept thinking remember when this was fun… when this was just on the weekends. Remember Maddie this didn’t used to be management… but now it is. Now one day without would send me into an unbearable spiral. I wasn’t paranoid at first but after the second time I was hooked. I was peepin and geeking. Cops were always behind me and sometimes I believed my own family was out to get me like they wanted me to be miserable and like they were going to take my dope away. The last one scared me the most. It wasn’t about fun anymore it was about avoiding the come down. It didn’t matter where I was home, with friends or at school. I had to keep popping pills or snorting coke. I couldn’t imagine living without… It’s not that I enjoyed managing it but sometimes I felt okay and sometimes I couldn’t think couldn’t feel. That was my favorite. But what I didn’t know or care to think about was what it was doing to me… I was down to 92 pounds and my emotions were gone, my hallucinations were bad, worse then ever before…not that I really remembered before. I was destroying my family. I stole my family’s money, my own little sister’s birthday money. She was 4 when I started doing that. Not that I cared one bit. It didn’t matter to me as long as I was high or needed drugs I felt like I deserved it somehow. Validating that’s all I did. Looking back at my addiction now It feels like that wasn’t me, how could I have done all of these terrible things? I see pictures of my using self and I think… “And I thought I looked better on drugs? I thought I was skinny and beautiful.” Sometimes I miss it, even when those terrible commercials talking about how bad drugs are make me want to use. I miss the high. I try not to. How could I want to do that it was so terrible!? But sometimes I just get these stupid cravings and no matter all the terrible things I remember about using I’ll still miss it. I wouldn’t do it again though even if someone had a knife to my throat though. That’s how bad it got for me. I felt like I was dying the first 5 days in rehab. I’ll remember those days forever. I hold on to those painful days because they make me not want to use. Getting clean changed my life. I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t got arrested. I honestly don’t know if I’d still be alive. 

I'm sick of this < / 3

I'm about to leave. My mom is bitching at me again I'm getting fed up with my family's shit i keep trying to hold it in but I don't think I can any longer. I'm about to explode and I'm like shut up Maddie just keep your feelings inside just a another day then it'll be the weekend n u can leave to your grandparents house. I think I might need to stay longer with my dad I haven't been getting in trouble but that is because now I'm bottling up my feelings I always do better when i feel like shit inside what the fuck is up with that.

random cute creepy funny things

:D

I want my sister to go back to school

Of course she's even better at home school fuck you. Fuck this I'm never good enough and im fucking sick of it. Excuse all the swearing I'm just pissed. I try so hard NO ONE see's it. EVER. And then heres my big sister who swears she works her ass off and everyone loves her and flocks to her like she's a fucking princess. I wish someone would pay attention to me. I need out. I keep telling myself only a few more years but sometimes i don't feel like I can stay here that long. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard. I love my family I love them so much but I hate this town I hate a lot of things about being here. Sometimes I just can't stand it you know? Idk -____-

fuck you.

I'm fucking done with this shit.

changes...3 doors down posting for relevance... so fucking relevant

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

But I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes 

seriously click this link guys. < 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZogLmTY3IY&feature=youtu.be

family photoshoot

helped at the kindergarten for halloween

I'm feeling like a zombie...

lyrics by the pretty reckless fitting to how i feel

I'm not listening to you
I am wandering right through existence
With no purpose and no drive
'Cause in the end we're all alive, alive

Two thousand years I've been awake
Waiting for the day to shake

To all of you who've wronged me
I am, I am a zombie
Again, again you want me to fall on my head
I am, I am, I am a zombie
How low, how low, how low will you push me
To go, to go, to go, before I lay, lay down dead

Blow the smoke right off the tube
Kiss my gentle burning bruise
I'm lost in time
And to all the people left behind

You are walking dumb and blind, blind
]

And two thousand years I've been awake
Waiting for the day to shake

Dear all of you who've wronged me
I am, I am a zombie
Again, again you want me to fall on my head
I am, I am, I am a zombie
How low, how low, how low will you push me
To go, to go, to go, before I lay, lay down dead
Oh dead, Oh dead, Oh dead

To all of you who've wronged me
I am, I am a zombie
Again, again you want me to fall on my head

I am I am I am a zombie
How low, how low, how low will you push me
To go, to go, to go, before I lie down dead

It's not enough

Faking happiness has been enough for a while but lately... It isn't. What am I to do? To stay and live like this or do I leave do i run?! My brain is always going it just never stops. I'm so tired of appointments and UA's and not being able to live my live how I want to. It's s screwed up. I just... Sometimes It's just to much for my to deal with. Sure it doesn't sound like to much but it's changed my life. The first six months it helped me so much and I'm a better person because f it but now, It's destroying me and NO ONE see's that. No one see's the girl who's trying so hard to be strong when she's breaking inside n one see's how done I am with this bitter life. I hide my feelings because If i bring them up it's just one more lecture possibly one more appointment and how could I want that? My mom had been SO good at not yelling but it's back I don't want to tell her.. she'll just get mad and say it's because we don't listen or something but truth is It hurts.. I don't like the yelling I hate it and sometimes I yell back because I guess talking in a regular voice isn't enough. I fucking hate it :( I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to kill myself but if the world ended tommorow I definitely wouldnt be upset one bit. Sorry for the long dramatic post I just.. I'm breaking.

Heart

 Never wanted to feel, never wanted you to steal- my heart, never wanted to know. Never wanted to show... I'm weak I'm falling all over myself trying to be someone else I wish you would dare to walk me home so i wouldn't have to be alone. Always wanted to be always wanted you to see my heart always wanted your love, Always wanted but never was I'm falling all over myself trying to be someone else i wish you would dare to walk me home so i wouldn't have to be alone. I'm falling all over myself trying to be someone else I wish you would dare to walk me home I don't wanna fight the world alone. Never told you before. Never loved you more. I'm falling all over myself trying to be someone else I wish you would dare to walk me home so i wouldn't have to feel alone I'm falling all over myself trying to be someone else i wish you would dare to walk me home i don't wanna fight the world alone. I don't wanna fight the world alone.

FUCKKK

I officially Live with a family that are scared of gay people get over it im fucking bisexual accept it and stop telling me to hide it on MY DAMN facebook page it's my fucking life god dammit :'(

So strung out frustrated and done.I want to live ALONE. My sister and mother are annoying me . I'm behind on lessons and since I have community service tommorow I will be further behind. I am just so tired and I am starting to feel that going down on my seroquel. I just have no motivation and shit but maybe because I'm stressed as hell!!!

I'm so in love with her and she'll never really understand how much....
 That's all I really have to say about it.... I could say so much more but i figure i'll leave it as is...

She's fucking over dramatic as shit.

I really need to write some fucking poetry,.... I have writers block so badly right now though...

Just let me be myself < 3

So my mom and sister have an issue with my being bi okay so everyone does. What the fuck. Deal with it I'm me like I have all these damn regulations I have to follow like: No homosexual imagery on facebook the computer etc. (It's a family computer apparently i could damage the 7 yr old...Maybe their scared shell be gay HAHA!!!) Anyways I'm fucking done with it i just want to be myself </3

Family events and such.

So last night my sister like attacked my mom it was scary...bi polar moment my mom was crying I was crying she was crying it was fucking scary. I hate when there are family fights!! But it's a new day so i  figure i might as well get over it . Anyways it is 6:50 PM we are at my Nana and Papa's house with my Aunt Pam and Uncle Mike ... I'm so glad they came to visit ! I absolutely love them :) My Uncle Mike is hilarious him and Emma are playing lol  it's pretty amusing lol

effin pissed

My sisters been screwing me over  lately.. well since i know shes so ready  so screw me over i guess  now her "don't tell mom's" don't matter. I don't give a fuck anymore i'm done keeping her secrets cause she gets off no harm and i end up having the hard life idk maybe ill succeed better because of it??? I hope but it's not fair.... so from now on she gets to live life as if i wasn't here to back her shit up cause honestly she hasn't saved my ass that much and usually when she does she screws me over eventually.

Court...once again. :/

    Alright I have court and drug testing in like an hour I know ill pass drug testing but I'm super nervous about court...I'm also excited though because I'll be getting off house arrest! Yay, hello cellphone, Facebook, and friends! I have writers block lately.. I know so unlike me, but I do. I'm just really uninspired! I have nothing going on in my life really right now good or bad.. I mean there are a few bad things but it's not really anything inspiring for poetry, it makes me sad, I want to write some amazing shit and I have this huge block!!!

may you make me...

terrible pic

fav outfit

high heels from macy's and my favorite over sized H&M shirt. paired my my favorite skinny's.

i have to write a page of what I think wicca is and then one on what pagan is

which is retarded because I practice wicca but I'm not pagan and so I find this report ridiculous I mean I'm writing it for my drug and alcohol class.....WTF!?

random I'm inside a psychic crystal ball :p

:) meee

just a silly picture of me semi vampired :p

lyrics from nb riddaz - my girl. (to may :))

emma edited her first picnik photo :)

gur

fuck my life

dyed

I just dyed my hair it's like a raspberry color I LOVE it...not what I expected but i think it's gorgeous :)
 I'll make sure to post pics later:)

I can fly

I got this adorable cape today...never thought I'd like something like that but I love it, very cute and surprisingly warm! Also I went to sally's and got red (yes actual red) hair dye...I will be dying my hair tommorow I'll post pics! : > Super Duper excited and my Aunt Pam and Uncle Mike are coming down I haven't seen them in years!!!

 We went out for sushi tonight too which was amazing as always <3 I had a really good time with my sister and mo. :)

my beauty < 3

from diditzulu

..You see, I know change

I see change

I embody change

All we do is change

Yeah, I know change

We are born to change

We sometimes regard it as a metaphor

That reflects the way things ought to be

In fact, change takes time

It exceeds all expectations

It requires both now and then

See, although the players change

The song remains the same

And the truth is

You gotta have the balls to change.."

People change, things go wrong, shit happens and life goes on.

Seizure

Brea had a seizure wile her and mom where fighting...scariest thing ever. But at least we got our tears and anger out haha.

:( family matters

I wish my sister mom and me could get along but it's like Brea's dramatic my moms crabby and I'm well manic but how could i not be it's like i try to keep the peace and I'm scared of our family falling apart so i walk on egg shells but then I get so upset and depressed because no one understands  how hard life is for me (well anyone in the house/family that is).Sometimes I just don't want to deal with it...I love them so much it's just really hard sometimes and I just want privileges like tumblr that's all I want :(!!All I've wanted but no. All cause fucking rob.

Group

Group was awesome me and Mariano and Kevin decided next week at group (after group) we are going to taco buffet lol. I love my buddies from group <3 Those silly boys.
Anyways went to garabaldis , I was wearing my favorite H&M shirt...sadly it's my big sisters so now I'm going to scour the Internet for one like it. I need to find this shirt lol because In the winter she's gonna wear it a bunch and shit.

Thoughts

Not sure what my plans for today are... I might go to my grandparents or something... Idk I'm super bored I did a bunch of IDLA which was oh so exciting! Anyways I have court on Monday which means I get of house arrest :) But it's also the start of probation and I think I'd rather have then put me in juvie and get of with no probation, I just want to make sure I don't fail school so idk it's kinda complicated.

current love

My alll time favorite band is the pretty reckless I fucking love them so much.
The lyrics actually mean something to me and she can sing unlike a lot of current singers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pANa4UDccQ

beastly song <3

i want my voice lessons back

I want to go back to private voice lessons :(

shes 11!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ybhPQyJS8k&feature=related

old quote thing i wrote when I was using I should add more too it but idk

Crying, you wish you where dying, possibly flying  because everything looks better with a buzz

poem from rehab

The yells,-
yells and screams,-
unwanted dreams,-
I'm never wanted,-
as it seems.-

My wrists,-
Wrists with scars that show,-
friends are the only ones,-
that truly know.-

Sitting,-
sitting on my bed,-
all the screams,-
go through my head.-

Searching,-
searching for my dreams,-
just trying,-
to ignore the screams.-

Falling,-
falling, I am lost,-
a broken heart,-
that's what it costs.-

Chances,-
chances I try to take,-
but each time I try,-
my heart sure breaks.-

Sing,-
sing and dance is what I do,-
spend all my life,-
trying to impress you.-

Gone,-
gone, I'm all alone,-
no one here to heal,-
my heart of stone.-

Greatness,-
greatness is in my soul,-
but when I speak out,-
I become a fool.-

People,-
people everywhere,-
when I walk by,-
they all just stare.-

Same,-
same, I want to shout,-
they all fit in,-
but I stand out.-

Running,-
running from my fears,-
I have no one,-
to wipe my tears.-

Trusting,-
Trusting in my heart,-
somewhere in this world,-
I'll find my part.-

Boom,-
Boom, my heart beats slow,-
there will be a time, -
when I shall glow.-

Cheering,-
cheering, I must not boast,-
I owe it all,-
to my ghost.-

Smile,-
smile, I must not frown,-
many people,-
I can't let down.-

Sometimes,-
sometimes I pretend I'm okay,-
I hold back the tears,-
and just walk away.-

Now,-
so now my heart is stone,-
wish someone could see,-
that I'm all alone.-

Fear

I'm so tired of all the pain,-
Just please let it rain,-
So I can hide my tears,-
So no one can see my fears,-
That are going to keep haunting, -
For the rest of my life,-
Just want it all to disappear,-
So I don't have to deal with my fears,-
Just want it all to go away,-
I just hope I can be okay,- 
I'm so tired of running,-
I'm so sick of hiding,-
All my pain is building up,-
It all just hurts way too much,-
I'm so tired of all the pain,-
Just please let it rain,-
So I can hide all my tears,-
So no one can tell I am full of fear.-

Follow my dreams

I get laughed at,-
I get ignored,-
I often feel trapped,-
and keep my thoughts stored.-
People can be cruel and very mean,-
but no matter what, -
I follow my dreams-

Life has waves,-
I know that.-
But I stand brave,-
and just take the crap.-
I may feel exhausted and totally creamed,-
but no matter what,-
I follow my dreams.-

I know what I want,-
and I won't stop trying.-
Quitting? I can't,-
for now I'm flying.-
It's impossible, it seems,-
but no matter what,-
I follow my dreams...-

May my dear..you inspire me

You are the thought that starts each morning,-
The conclusion to each day.-
I think of you with all I do,-
And everything I say.-

You are the smile on my face,-
The twinkle in my eye.-
The warmth inside my heart,-
The fullness in my life.-

The only hand that is part of mine,-
The coat upon my back.-
My friend and love you have my soul,-
I never will turn back.-

You are the dimple in my cheek,-
The tingle in my soul.-
The voice that makes me weak,-
You're the one that makes me whole.-

You are all that I have ever wanted, -
and all that I will need.-
You are all that I think of,-
You mean so much to me. -