from diditzulu

..You see, I know change

I see change

I embody change

All we do is change

Yeah, I know change

We are born to change

We sometimes regard it as a metaphor

That reflects the way things ought to be

In fact, change takes time

It exceeds all expectations

It requires both now and then

See, although the players change

The song remains the same

And the truth is

You gotta have the balls to change.."

People change, things go wrong, shit happens and life goes on.

Seizure

Brea had a seizure wile her and mom where fighting...scariest thing ever. But at least we got our tears and anger out haha.

:( family matters

I wish my sister mom and me could get along but it's like Brea's dramatic my moms crabby and I'm well manic but how could i not be it's like i try to keep the peace and I'm scared of our family falling apart so i walk on egg shells but then I get so upset and depressed because no one understands  how hard life is for me (well anyone in the house/family that is).Sometimes I just don't want to deal with it...I love them so much it's just really hard sometimes and I just want privileges like tumblr that's all I want :(!!All I've wanted but no. All cause fucking rob.

Group

Group was awesome me and Mariano and Kevin decided next week at group (after group) we are going to taco buffet lol. I love my buddies from group <3 Those silly boys.
Anyways went to garabaldis , I was wearing my favorite H&M shirt...sadly it's my big sisters so now I'm going to scour the Internet for one like it. I need to find this shirt lol because In the winter she's gonna wear it a bunch and shit.

Thoughts

Not sure what my plans for today are... I might go to my grandparents or something... Idk I'm super bored I did a bunch of IDLA which was oh so exciting! Anyways I have court on Monday which means I get of house arrest :) But it's also the start of probation and I think I'd rather have then put me in juvie and get of with no probation, I just want to make sure I don't fail school so idk it's kinda complicated.

current love

My alll time favorite band is the pretty reckless I fucking love them so much.
The lyrics actually mean something to me and she can sing unlike a lot of current singers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pANa4UDccQ

beastly song <3

i want my voice lessons back

I want to go back to private voice lessons :(

shes 11!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ybhPQyJS8k&feature=related

old quote thing i wrote when I was using I should add more too it but idk

Crying, you wish you where dying, possibly flying  because everything looks better with a buzz

poem from rehab

The yells,-
yells and screams,-
unwanted dreams,-
I'm never wanted,-
as it seems.-

My wrists,-
Wrists with scars that show,-
friends are the only ones,-
that truly know.-

Sitting,-
sitting on my bed,-
all the screams,-
go through my head.-

Searching,-
searching for my dreams,-
just trying,-
to ignore the screams.-

Falling,-
falling, I am lost,-
a broken heart,-
that's what it costs.-

Chances,-
chances I try to take,-
but each time I try,-
my heart sure breaks.-

Sing,-
sing and dance is what I do,-
spend all my life,-
trying to impress you.-

Gone,-
gone, I'm all alone,-
no one here to heal,-
my heart of stone.-

Greatness,-
greatness is in my soul,-
but when I speak out,-
I become a fool.-

People,-
people everywhere,-
when I walk by,-
they all just stare.-

Same,-
same, I want to shout,-
they all fit in,-
but I stand out.-

Running,-
running from my fears,-
I have no one,-
to wipe my tears.-

Trusting,-
Trusting in my heart,-
somewhere in this world,-
I'll find my part.-

Boom,-
Boom, my heart beats slow,-
there will be a time, -
when I shall glow.-

Cheering,-
cheering, I must not boast,-
I owe it all,-
to my ghost.-

Smile,-
smile, I must not frown,-
many people,-
I can't let down.-

Sometimes,-
sometimes I pretend I'm okay,-
I hold back the tears,-
and just walk away.-

Now,-
so now my heart is stone,-
wish someone could see,-
that I'm all alone.-

Fear

I'm so tired of all the pain,-
Just please let it rain,-
So I can hide my tears,-
So no one can see my fears,-
That are going to keep haunting, -
For the rest of my life,-
Just want it all to disappear,-
So I don't have to deal with my fears,-
Just want it all to go away,-
I just hope I can be okay,- 
I'm so tired of running,-
I'm so sick of hiding,-
All my pain is building up,-
It all just hurts way too much,-
I'm so tired of all the pain,-
Just please let it rain,-
So I can hide all my tears,-
So no one can tell I am full of fear.-

Follow my dreams

I get laughed at,-
I get ignored,-
I often feel trapped,-
and keep my thoughts stored.-
People can be cruel and very mean,-
but no matter what, -
I follow my dreams-

Life has waves,-
I know that.-
But I stand brave,-
and just take the crap.-
I may feel exhausted and totally creamed,-
but no matter what,-
I follow my dreams.-

I know what I want,-
and I won't stop trying.-
Quitting? I can't,-
for now I'm flying.-
It's impossible, it seems,-
but no matter what,-
I follow my dreams...-

May my dear..you inspire me

You are the thought that starts each morning,-
The conclusion to each day.-
I think of you with all I do,-
And everything I say.-

You are the smile on my face,-
The twinkle in my eye.-
The warmth inside my heart,-
The fullness in my life.-

The only hand that is part of mine,-
The coat upon my back.-
My friend and love you have my soul,-
I never will turn back.-

You are the dimple in my cheek,-
The tingle in my soul.-
The voice that makes me weak,-
You're the one that makes me whole.-

You are all that I have ever wanted, -
and all that I will need.-
You are all that I think of,-
You mean so much to me. -

MEEE! :p

Love this pic

LOL

collage I made of the NOH8 project

I want to speak out for gay rights and stuff

I would love to go rally for gay rights and really get involved and help people in my community come out and feel safe about their sexuality because that's how I'd like to feel. I know of a lot of kids who can't come out because all the homophobic people or parents that are strongly religious, and it just makes me sad because I want kids and people to feel normal and know that it's perfectly fine to love anyone you want!

It's sad

I miss her so badly I feel like I'll never get to see my girlfriend it's been weeks and I only got to see her at school for like 10-15 mins :'( It really sucks because I love her so I'm just to scared to bring her home and anyways my mom thinks she's trying to get me to runaway she thinks sandy is too and they aren't lol. I was gonna runaway with two of my friends one being a guy so It couldn't be those two lol.

Beautiful

I love my girlfriend <3

Love this pic

P.O Meeting

Just got done getting ready for my probation officer meeting thing... I hope I'm getting off house arrest or at least getting my contract modified so I can use my cell phone and have some friends over cause I'm bored as fuck and lonely! lol I'm just happy that Anna lets me keep my blog :) I'm pissed though that they r switching me to Brandy I like Anna and want to keep her!!

parents..

 Sometimes i feel like my mom is loosing her mind, she swears she told me somehting so she starts screaming at me and in reality she never told me something lol. It's fucking ridiculous and I'm freaking sick of her stress management which is bieng a bitch to me. whatever and she doesnt think I'm appreciative which i really am i love her a lot and i do appreciate I just am in a rough spot and I don't understand why she can't just be there for me

School and product testing

 Found a new online school :) I'm excited there are all sorts of classes and I'm a little bit nervous about it but i think I'll be fine. Anyways I'm obsessed with fashion blogs right now and I'd love to start one but with online classes and stuff I just don't have the time! Plus I don't have the money for any amazing shoes or clothes but I can dream :p Once I'm eighteen I'm going to right reviews and advertise products on my blog and shit so what they do is send you the product and you write reviews and etc. Plus you keep the products! We all know I love expensive shoes. :)

Overnight

Staying at my grandparents house for the second night. Don't really feel like going home because i love it here but i love that my mom isn't making me go to hell (school) even though I'm not enrolled in a new school yet. But whatever i can just do some plato :)

 Picked tomatoes in the field with papa today and pet jessie for a while.. she's getting so old poor baby has a limp really bad.. I will cry when she passes away. I love her.

So done

Done with my mom speaking to me like I'm so much below her, I'm so tired of it that i might just go to dad's....i don't need to be fucking upset all the time.

i love tumblr...

I miss my tumblr so freaking badly it's crazy. I miss the joy it brought to me lol it's the best recovery idk it helped me through the months when i came home from Intermountain and I'll keep fighting to get mine back because i put so much effort and love and passion into it. And the people that surrounded me there were just full of love. I will get it back... i need it back :( Idk maybe mom will realize that it actually helped me a lot... i highly doubt it but i can dream right? :'(

Fav photoshoot from http://linateschphotography.blogspot.com

http://linateschphotography.blogspot.com beastly photo from lina :)

I love oriental girls..they r freaking gorgeous i wish i was onee :(

http://linateschphotography.blogspot.com One of my absolute fav blogs, her and her gf are beautiful and shes an amazing photographer.

Secret obsession....SHOES!!! I've always loved shoes i wish i had the money for the ones feautured here

Thanks mom

I'll be in such a great positive mood then it's like she has to shatter it lol.  fuck i can't wait to be 18.

It's hard

It's was so hard to stay sober when you're around kids who leave and come back to school high...when you know someone around you is or could be high. It's hard having to tell them no and when they ask why having to reply " I don't get high anymore. I'm above that" and loosing friends because of that answer... then again they weren't real friends if they can't like me when I'm clean... but it's still hard to have to be so grown up when your only just a kid. It's hard to stay clean even though i wan't to stay clean more then anything. It's weird.... at first i was just staying clean for my family and the law... but now I'm doing it for me, I'm not doing it for my family, and I'm definitely not doing it for the law. I'm doing it because for once I don't feel like such a shitty person. for once i feel like i deserve a good life... like I'm good enough. But i still hate the feelings, the misery, the thoughts of life and i probably will for a long time  but at least I don't ache everyday or feel like i have no control. I don't spend every minute selling or getting high. I know that I don't have to waste my life any further and i think I'm okay with that. Actually I'm pretty happy with that.And you know what I'll keep turning down drugs everyday and live with these cravings n pain and misery if that means that i get to feel and smile and watch my little sister and cousins grow up and have a relationship with my family and be able to have a life.

http://shelley.se....one of my favblogs.. i want to have her figure btw shes 20(she looks 16 though lol

 click the photos to zoom i.

Online schooling and relationship rambling.

 So my mom (being amazing) withdrew me from Bridge and now i will be enrolling in an online school! I'm so excited it's crazy what a difference i feel already stress wise. I feel better today , I've been pretty sick this week though. Still missing my girlfriend crazy bad and it's gonna suck that she won't be able to see me now ( she would sometimes drop in before i wen't home at lunch) well maybe i'll have her over... I'm nervous though for her to meet my family, I'm scared they won't like her and I know my mom won't like the age difference, I'll just try getting moms permission to go out and see movies with her and crap that way i don't have to worry about them meeting. She is stunning though.. couldn't imagine having a better person in my life. She is uber supportive and overall and she's just fucking lovely <3!

trying to figure this crap out.

sobriety and such.

Crazy how sobriety changes a person... supposedly for the better... but sometimes i feel like i'm worse off now then i ever was high...which really kills me inside because fuck i was bad it was getting worse but..I felt beautiful and skinny and I was happy, but i made the people around me miserable ...but i was numb i couldn't feel the bad only the good  and now ..now i feel everything everything but the good! I don't understand why, i man my drug and alcohol counselor tells me it's cause the damage done to my pleasure center from the drugs...she said it's expected with the cocaine cause cocaine hits fast ..just as bad as meth. So i understand it's just...not fair i mean i'll never actually get it back...ever not the way it was before. Hey it also takes away sexual pleasure n shit so maybe that's why I've kept my virginity!? So i guess I'm okay with that lol ..sex is frickin disgusting anyways.
But anyways sobriety is good in ways i mean i'm healthier and i find more joy in my family and i'm closer to them and shit but sometimes i just don't know ..I know that imma stay sober it's just hard to keep striving for it or being okay with it sometimes but i just gotta keep it up...it's all about the bigger picture.

so misss fucking looking like this....fucking sobriety...

i miss looking like this... :(

wow i took this forever ago for the no hate day gay pride campaign on tumblr lol

Unknown...

It's hard to stay when i just wan to leave. Fake happiness is golden. I have offers..just run away it'd be fun i mean they have a job and crap..trying to wait at least another year...idk but anyway got the bitchiest p.o possible (excluding Connie). I'm starting not to care plus if i get fed up with her ill just leave and come back in a few years.But how could leave my precious family that i love so much...its called me being selfish i mean me trying to get away from all this shit and start a new life...a life for me ... a clean slate. Afraid ill start shoot or basing.... :/

good morning:)

about to go to the warehouse sale by buffalo wild wings...gonna be super fun, second time going but oh welll i'm going with brea again I hope i come home with more clothes!!

may sent to me today ...how i miss her kisses

Run away

I want so badly to run away. to be far far awway from this retchid place. No one would think I hate my life so much but somehow i do. I have plans, plans to leave I"m just trying to wait you know..atleast one more year because im so young ..been planniong for atleast 2..just have to finish figuring it all out . I have a person a place and money. all i really need ..goodbye letters stored away...The onl;y worry is hurting my family..I love them so dearly and i know they wouldn't be able to understand.. probation and etc. it's all to much for me, school and shit just everything right now is miserable! and i'd come back, just would wait a few yrs so that i couldn't be charged with runaway plus once u cross into another state thsoe police can't detain u... The thing is i could continue online school and shit just...just wait till life looked up for me my mom wouldnt have to pay all my expenses and shed have less stress! and brea and emma would forgive me right..? theyd know i'd come back jus..in a few years

zoey my sweet little chihuahua

Gorgeous little sister.

Hurt inside

As I watch my blood run dry. My hands shake, I start to cry, illusions, delusions take over my mind, the lack of control makes me blind, I've lost myself, left my soul behind, the old me I try to find, but the years that passed have made me cold, all thats left are stories to be told.

Sisters

Gut wrenching pain flows through me when she's gone, the only one who trully understands, we grow seperatley without growing apart, two hearts, to souls, linked together by experience and passion. We are sisters, we are friends and we are who we are.

Porcelin

At night i wonder why the angels haven't called. Do i surrender my soul to them all? Without him what am I? Just a broken doll, like shattered porcelin crushed against cement walls. Amazing that he could see through the mask and find all my flaws. To small to matter but big enough to cut me and once i fall ,U can't get up so watch my suffer in awe.

Pyschotics.

I vomit illusions , speak to the dead. You people say it's al in my head. But to me the illusions are real and so are the dead. So much happens in my eyes that it's burning me empty

Poem i wrote when i was using

Can't remember,can't forget. let your soul surrender welcome the devils wishes Should've said no, but you didnt, once you start you never stop. You base and shoot and damn powders looking mighty fine right now. Just enough to leave you floating on the surface of hell. vicious cycle isn't it.

Older now

I'm older now-
no longer a child, not yet an adult-
but a girl trying to carve a path for herself-
I'm learning to make my own choices-
molding a future with my bare hands-
learning to step out beside the shaky ground-
I no longer need to be held tight in your embrace-
but crave an indepence-
a one that lets me explore my hunger for this world-
a world full of hidden meanings-
but sometimes i fall as i struggle to take in the world before me-
overwhelmed by the bigger picture-
the adulthood that lays ahead-
and it must be hard for you to accept that I'm building a life for myself-
making mistakes that you cannot understand-
and choices you never dreamed i'd make-

red

red, red on the brain-
i fight within to control the pain-
i cry tears that fall like rain-
I ache for a cold steel blade-
one more obsession that i can't tame.

Craving

So much hurt behind my lies-
dead yet so much alive-
broken relations and ties are the reasons that I cry-
all i want is to rise-
from this nightmare thats inside-
wrist burning with desire-
I'm hoping that this urge just dies-
resisting a cold metal blade-
crying as my brain slowly fries-
cuz no one cares about the girls-
that slit their wrists to get the prize-
a prize of sweet serenity-
so we can get through another day with ease-

My beautiful girlfriend.

Amazing and beautiful, not a flower or tree, much prettier than that and only i cans see,loving, and caring right down to the core,filling me with happiness and so much more.eyes are so stunning I can't look away. Gorgeous and shining I'm here to stay, here in your arms is where i belong, the beating of your heart is like a song.

Tears

Walking through the rain-
i try to forget the pain-
i try to ignore the sting in my eyes-
beacuse i know a strong girl never cries-
i begin to run, run from my fears-
but i am followed by the ever present tears-
I want tk leave these familiar places-
leave behind these frequent faces-
but where will i go?
what will i do?
all i know is that i have to get far away from you.
but something keeps me here-
crying one last tear.

Scream

When all i want to do is scream, how is it that i seem- fine.-
we all know it's lies but no one hears my battle cries-
probably because laughter is whati hide behind-
when secretly my heart just dies-
been this way since i was nine-
everyday i'm on the rise-
trying to get to a place where i can shine-
maybe even decriminalize-
i thought life was the prize-
but now it's just something i despise-
is that such a crime?-
always wanted to say my goodbyes-
because this world is fucking asinie-
i hate everything life implies-
so i'll just stand up and say fuck them all!-

Dead inside (poem written right before rehab.)

Fading quickly away right before our eyes-

Drowning in a life of pain hidden under my disguise-

this wasted like has become nothing but a blur-

left now with only memories of who you once were-

find yourself reminiscing back to the days that you were clean-

now i just find myself waiting for someone to intervene-

slipping away from reality as the poison attacks-

damaged arms hold evidence of affliction just follow the tracks-

In my painful solitude i watch my blood mix with sin-

now fusing together as i draw back on the syringe-

my addiction pulls me further in as i pull the plunger back-

emptiness running through my veins, feelings are what i lack-

I used to be happy in life, always thought i'd come out on top-

which is why I'm so confused and i question, "Why can't I fucking stop?"-

but now the drug has taken over, my life is gone, I have no control-

nothing left to numb my pain, nothing strong enough to fill this hole-

so i continue to act like my life is together, but how long can we really pretend?-

have to face the face the truth and realize that i'm gone and this is the end.

Pills and violence

Popping pills in the morning,
Popping pills at night ,
cutting deep into my skin,
holding my blade tight.

Dressed up to look my best,
when i actually looked my worst,
I thought all this alcohol would refresh my troublesome thirst.

I wanted kids when i was older,
I wanted good news to tell,
but who tells their children
that they wanted to go to hell?

I had a lot of problems ,
mentally abused and bashed,
both my arms,wrists,and legs,
had both been bruised and gashed.

I thought of myself as a strong girl,
I wasn't strong at all,
this is what made my toes curl.

I had decided to stop,
and get my life on track,
because i realized the life i wasted,
I was never getting back.

So i stopped the hurting,
for once it was pretty easy,
I stopped looking like an easy target,
and i stopped dressing sleazy.

I'm a better person now and I'll be turning 15.
I can't believe how young I was
and how i was so keen.

All the drugs and the alcohol,
the cutting and the pain,
have all disappeared
now I'm one step ahead in this game.

How much longer?

Don't really know how much longer i can do this ( not life) just living here... so done. I need nikki and of course may but most of all I need Sandy... i don't know how or where she is right now, I'm worried sick. I can't focus today... things seem out of place. Cravings fucking suck, not that anyone here really understands, not that i care. I want to use so bad, you know that feelings where you want the drug... almost need it so bad that your head feels sick, your brain screams out for it, how it angers you and makes you feel nauseous. I realize though that i was addicted from the start, honestly didn't have to take anything to crave the high, the escape, but i did and things will never be the same, the thoughts the needs...they will never go away, and no matter what I'm an addict. No matter what i do I'll always want to be high and nothing can change that.