It's hard

It's was so hard to stay sober when you're around kids who leave and come back to school high...when you know someone around you is or could be high. It's hard having to tell them no and when they ask why having to reply " I don't get high anymore. I'm above that" and loosing friends because of that answer... then again they weren't real friends if they can't like me when I'm clean... but it's still hard to have to be so grown up when your only just a kid. It's hard to stay clean even though i wan't to stay clean more then anything. It's weird.... at first i was just staying clean for my family and the law... but now I'm doing it for me, I'm not doing it for my family, and I'm definitely not doing it for the law. I'm doing it because for once I don't feel like such a shitty person. for once i feel like i deserve a good life... like I'm good enough. But i still hate the feelings, the misery, the thoughts of life and i probably will for a long time  but at least I don't ache everyday or feel like i have no control. I don't spend every minute selling or getting high. I know that I don't have to waste my life any further and i think I'm okay with that. Actually I'm pretty happy with that.And you know what I'll keep turning down drugs everyday and live with these cravings n pain and misery if that means that i get to feel and smile and watch my little sister and cousins grow up and have a relationship with my family and be able to have a life.